Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Emotionally stable as an IKEA table.

Last weekend, me and my dad drove to Dana Point to pick up a bed for my new apartment. We were going over what was left to move and he was asking if there’s any furniture that I didn’t want to take with me. Let me try and paint you a mental picture…

Location: Cruisin down the street in our…1 ton moving van.
Annnnnd, ACTION….

Dad: “So Maegs, is there any furniture you don’t want to take with you? It’s better to decide now instead of moving it and then realizing you don’t want it”

Maegs: “I mean, I guess I don’t need multiple dressers and side tables…”

D: “What about that big gray dresser? Do you really want to move that thing again?”

M: <slowly turns head to the left, similar to the little girl in the exorcist> “Oh hell no, do you know where I bought that stupid dresser and what it took to put it together? Nope, it’s comin, it will literally be in every house I move into for the rest of my life”

D: “You seem pretty attached to this dresser Maegs…”

M: “Dad, have you ever bought and put together furniture from IKEA? HAVE YOU, HUH HUH?”

D: “No, I’m smart and don’t buy furniture from IKEA”

<This fucking guys got jokes now>

M: “Well let me tell you a little something…Don’t ever put IKEA furniture together with someone you love…your relationship will never be the same. For starters, there’s no less than 6,000 pieces to assemble this piece of shit, cardboard, real wood wannabe, dresser from hell.

As if the 6,000 pieces of plastic in 100 little bags wasn’t enough to send you over the edge, they include some bull shit, sorry excuse for a screwdriver, little metal stick thing that’s supposed to “help” put together this monstrosity.”

D: “From your mild sweating and amount of cursing in the last 2 minutes, I can only assume this dresser wasn’t a treat to put together”

M: “Look Dad, I’m not proud of what I’m about to tell you but it happened, I said it, hell I pretty much yelled it over a loud speaker…I was really pissed the hell off.  

We were about 2 hours into this shitty activity when I looked at my now Ex-Boyfriend square in the eyes and said “if you don’t shut the hell up right now, literally this second, I’m going to take this bull shit screw driver and stab you in the neck with it! I’ll do it, you think I’m joking but I’m not.”

Needless to say, we didn’t speak for the rest of the afternoon.

IKEA – 1
Maegan and Ex Boyfriend – 0

So here’s my advice, you can take it or leave it. Before picking up those stupidly heavy boxes full of small pieces to ruin your life one screw at a time; think about if it’s a good idea to purchase an item FROM IKEA, the land of words we can’t pronounce and meatballs we can’t eat enough of, that says BOX 1 0F 4 when you get the aisle/bin. 

And if it is over 3 boxes, just pay the guys in the bright yellow shirts to put it together for you.